The Bionic Woman

Okay, so from 1976 to 1978, one of crime’s biggest adversaries was known as The Bionic Woman, played by Lindsay Wagner. This show was in no way meant to be a series, as Jamie Sommers was originally killed off. However, the writers decided to revive and revitalize the character after loads of infuriated fans expressed their outrage over her early demise (see: cryogenic hibernation for disconnected, bionic rebirth). Twenty-nine years later, NBC has decided to revive the character once again with The Bionic Woman. Don’t get me started on the title, however, as a devoted fan of the original series I felt obligated to at least give the new version a go. To avoid confusion, I will refer to this contemporary version as The (New) Bionic Woman.

Here’s the thing:

It's not that I can’t appreciate the resurrection of a classic program, it’s just that in doing so, the writers and producers have regrettably pandered to society’s addiction to hyperactive stimuli. That is, they engulf the senses with a copious dalliance of visual effects and leave the meat of logical dialog/narrative to quietly circle the drain of primetime television. Even worse, the one-hour premiere of The (New) Bionic Woman required the entire hour to illustrate the obvious details of this program’s title: that she is indeed a bionic woman.

But wait! What does that mean, jenji? Effects! I need effects! Flash, spin, and exploit some images, maybe then I’ll understand!

It means that she’s a bionic woman you moron.

Although some may argue that the original series (adapted from the novel Cyborg) was somewhat hokey with its melodramatic acting and minimalistic special effects, the series was one thing to be sure: efficient. Each week one was afforded a full hour of who-done-it entertainment. Unfortunately, our current choice of one-hour, dramatic programming will often insist upon leaving the viewer stymied and lost. Literally, Lost. Week after week, hour long programs like Lost and Heroes bait and lure the viewer into the 58th minute, only to suddenly spring a gaggle of new characters and/or storylines, thereby forcing the viewer to spit out their beverage and retort, “for fuck's sake, who the hell is that dude?!”

Seriously, I can appreciate suspense, but not every single episode. I mean, there’s a difference between suspense and manipulative trolling. Sometimes I just need closure, is that so much to ask? Stop teasing me throughout the actual episode and save the majority of that nonsense for sweeps and/or previews. In a world full of indeterminate obstacles I could occasionally use some constructive and satisfying closure. I have a feeling that The (New) Bionic Woman is heading down this obnoxious road of manipulation.

NBC incessantly teased us with the preview-- COMING THIS FALL: The (New) Bionic Woman. And so, the leaves begin to drop, my nose begins to run, the car insurance is due and Bubbleboy goes into DEFCON 5. Fall arrives and I tune in to The (New) Bionic Woman and what do I get in return for my patronage? Well, for one, a “revived” program that sputters out an entire hour of meaningless sneers, contemplations and cryptic one-liners.

Now, I’m not a complete curmudgeon, I understand that new viewers—that is, those born with the inherent ability to text message—may not be aware of who and what The (New) Bionic Woman (not to mention the original series) is all about. Naturally, a premiere episode would have a certain responsibility to summarize the details for the new viewer. I don’t have a problem with that, but for the full hour? Here The (New) Bionic Woman should heed the example of its elder.

The original series…ahem…The (Real) Bionic Woman, managed to condense an introductory summary into a simple, 2-minute sequence: the opening credits. I say simple and I suppose visually it was, but that’s my point. I just want to shake NBC and say, “listen, you don’t need to dazzle me with neither sensory overload nor matrix-like effects: really, the Buffynastics, driving porn riffs and women who flounce around in wet t-shirts, whilst aggressively shouting enigmatic, homoerotic insults back and forth—these elements aren’t required to get me to watch your show. I think we already covered and undeniably overdosed on these elements with Xena Warrior Princess. In short, stop humping me with your visual trickery NBC. I get it, I’m the fragrant target of television and you, television, are the alpha dog of primetime."

Perhaps an example of just how efficient the original opening sequence to The Bionic Woman actually was would help the new series work out some freshman kinks. Allow me to elaborate.









First, the opening intro to The Bionic Woman began with a snare drum and a ratchet—enough said.

However, in an effort to be more precise I will continue.

The opening musical theme had an urgency, an excitement that would simply demand your presence and further, compel you (or me, as a 7-year old) to abandon a full glass of Kool-Aid in lieu of missing said intro. The fruity beverage could wait until commercial, as clearly you were being summoned for more pressing matters. You can see the original opening sequence here.

The visual summarization of this intro went as follows:

beautiful heroine-Jamie Sommers-25-year old tennis pro CHECK
low-flying airplane CHECK
recreational skydiving CHECK
“shit! my chute didn’t open” CHECK
-critical injury/anatomical damage report via fancy computer CHECK
-“we can rebuild her” (of course you can) CHECK
-both legs CHECK
-right arm CHECK
-right ear CHECK
-concerned, brooding mystery man CHECK
-bionic replacement surgery CHECK
-estimated cost of bionics (okay, classified, but still CHECK)
3-dimensional animation of bionics with coinciding visual representations of power—
-she can hear CHECK
-she can crush a tennis ball with her right hand CHECK
-she can leg press more than any machine CHECK
-and finally, she can run super duper pooper scooper fast and frankly, it looks as if her hair smells terrific! CHECK

And now, The (New) Bionic Woman intro:

Zip. (for week one anyway)

The show just began. Hmmmm, interesting. Or wait... I suppose one could argue that the intro was there, it just took fifty-five minutes to complete.

However, let me be clear: these were fifty-five, George Lucas laden minutes. Too long, too fancy. Seriously, leave that shit to CSI, Tom Cruise and Spielberg.

So, here is what we did find out about The (New) Bionic Woman, albeit through 60 minutes of musical montage, captain obvious dialog and Lost like perplexity.

First, in the spirit of the current trend of mysterious Asian characters, a mysterious Asian character who mutters things like “I love you” and then subsequently shoots you.

-The (New) Bionic Woman, Jamie Sommers (Michelle Ryan), is a perky barista, but certainly not one who makes you say, “gee, her hair must smell terrific.”

-we meet another woman credited as the first bionic woman—who by the way I would like to refer to as the new first bionic woman, rendering the star of the show the new new bionic woman. Anyway, the new first attacks the new new bionic woman (no parachute, just t-boned by a semi) and upon learning that the new new bionic woman didn’t die, the new first bionic woman visits her at the bar and as any angry nemesis might do, teeters between the temptation to tear the guts out of the new new bionic woman and the overwhelming urge to deep throat a shiny brown beer bottle. I mean I get it, these things happen. Incidentally, the new first bionic woman eventually informs the new new bionic woman that she had her “eye, arms, legs and part of her chest done,” whatever that means.

Confused yet? Lovely. Moving on... There is

-an isolated compound that can only be reached by chopper (usually in the rain) that the new new bionic woman mistakes for a simple hospital even though the entry to her room entails walking through a “shhhhhuuusssh” like Star Trek door—even though the room is covered in wall to wall mirrors and people keep referring to her as the subject. And where you have a subject, one can bet that there is an experimenter lurking somewhere nearby.

-the OSI has been replaced by an Army-like establishment (how trendy) and Oscar Goldman by Jonas Bledsoe, played by Miguel Ferrer who like his character on Crossing Jordan wanders around aimlessly muttering ambiguous one-liners like “ when will she be combat ready” and “how long until the implants come online” through his husky, Miguel’esk, daddy-loves-his-little-girl cryptic intonations.

-we may not know how much the original bionic woman cost, but the new new bionic woman runs somewhere around 50 million dollars, just in case you were thinking of investing.

-the new new bionic woman is able to regenerate any injury to her bionic components because of anthrocites—yes, anthrocites—unlike the original bionic woman whose injured bionics resemble that of a splintered toaster, the new new bionic woman has the regenerative capabilities of a starfish.

Seriously...Can you feel NBC humping your leg yet? Can you feel the tug? As we speak, I think I have a callous forming on my thigh.

Finally, the new new bionic woman already has her share of rivals, but unfortunately I don’t see the new series embracing the intricacies of The Fembot anytime soon. You remember The Fembot, yeah?








No, no…not that Fembot…I realize the confusion.

This one…







The Fembot (click to see clip)

Now, come on...that's good stuff! NBC would probably consider such low class drivel and effects as virtual impotence. Yet, there's a lot to be said about a man, dressed as a woman, dressed as a Fembot.

The point is this:

Sometimes simple is better in the long run. Sometimes less is more.

The character of Jamie Sommers is not that complicated. When she was heroic, she acted and spoke heroically. When she was vulnerable, she acted vulnerable. When she was neurotic, (uh, boy could she get neurotic) she acted neurotic—although, this wasn’t so much a character trait as it was a psychological response to Lisa Galloway (her evil twin who has stolen Jamie's identity and left her bionic ass in the clink) who had a serious addiction to Adrenalazine. Yes, Adrenalazine. All I know is that it made Lisa bionic-like and looked like pink Play-Doh. This explains why as a 7-year old child I was compelled to carry small amounts of pink Play-Doh with me at all times in order feed my own bionic capabilities. I didn't eat the Play-Doh per se, but I gave it some very serious thought.

NOTE: When out of Play-Doh, bazooka gum will do the trick.

I digress, apologies.

Keep it simple.

The original Jamie Sommers, that is Lindsay Wagner, acted. I know, I know…I realize today she’s a crunchy, granola eating, Buddha worshiping, ethanol driving, yoga posing, hemp wearing mattress peddler, but she’s also an Emmy winner, so show some goddamn respect, would you? She didn’t depend on Sia’s song Breathe Me to act for her. Yes, they resorted to the musical montage whilst the lead actress pouted, sighed and sulked her way throughout this interlude. I suppose we were meant to surmise that she was, I dunno...upset? I mean, her fiancé was killed, so she should be upset, but it would be nice if she—oh, I don’t know—acted upset for shit's sake. Eh, everyone's a critic.

Sigh. Such is the drought of meaningful dialog and expression in contemporary television.

Update...
***Since the premiere episode of The (New) Bionic Woman I have had the opportunity to watch a few more episodes—what can I say, I’m staying optimistic. To my surprise, they have mysteriously abandoned the dark, brooding, special effects peppered pilot episode for subsequent hybrid episodes of Felicity meets All My Children meets anything BUT bionics--occasional bitch slap, yes, but bionics, not so much. In fact, I think I see more physical action and fight sequences during an average episode of The Factor with Bill O'Reilly. The show is called The Bionic Woman, yet Jamie Sommers rarely, if ever uses her bionics.

Psssst, NBC...seriously, break out the bionics. Okay, in all honesty she did manage to chuck a cantaloupe across a field in an effort to nail a bad guy in the head, but break out the bionics already or I’ll have to pull the rip cord on my optimism.

So, how to sum up The Bionic Woman for those of you who haven't had the (dis) pleasure of experiencing this regrettable reincarnation of the original.

Okay, you know when you're having a conversation with someone and they have something hanging from their nose and you just can’t quite figure out what it is? Yes, The (New) Bionic Woman manages to be just as grotesque and puzzling, but not nearly as intriguing.

jenji