I can appreciate the invention of the airplane, the discovery of flight and the astonishing capabilities of transcontinental air travel. Really, I can.
Even though my fundamental understanding of all that is mechanically aerodynamic can barely navigate about the blueprints of a paper airplane, the concept of the airplane as a means for travel remains brilliant—the execution and efficiency of said travel, not so much. However, my intent is not to analyze the imprudent, conspiratorial abuse that the airlines so ardently bestow upon us as Americans. I know you’re disappointed and I truly apologize—although said analysis is on its way.
Instead I would like to address a specific perquisite, an aroma if you will, related to airline travel:
Feet.
For those who have traveled via overpriced, overbooked airline, I would dare say that many would perhaps agree that the best word to describe the eternal funk and stink that one encounters whilst encapsulated at 30,000 feet in a pressurized fuselage—whose custodial maintenance by they way is in a perpetual state of bacteriostatic denial—is feet.
Recently, on USAir flights out of Philadelphia and LaGuardia I was suddenly overcome by the stagnant, overwhelmingly cheesy stench of feet; of athletic jock feet, pantyhose feet, 15-hour work day feet, Frito Lays Corn Chip feet, airport layover feet, geriatric feet, pediatric feet, toddler and tween feet, the what’s this between my toes feet, frat boy feet, flip-flop feet, hammer-toed feet, corned feet, internationally jetlagged feet, hot foot puddle feet, barefoot sneaker feet, the corked Martha Betti side buckle clog feet, clubbed feet, pigeon toed feet, webbed toe feet, hairy toed feet, waxed feet, vacation feet, honeymoon feet, armed forces feet, I only own two pairs of socks feet, gnarly feet, fancy pedicure feet, fat feet, bony anorexic feet, calloused feet, planters wart feet, get off my feet feet, hippy feet, rules aren’t made for me feet, what the fuck did I step in feet, dime bag in my sneaker feet, spoiled Heiress traveling the world and her miniature Chihuahua’s feet, blistered theme park feet, the sweaty aerophobic, aviatophobic, pteromerhanophobic fear of flying feet, dry flaking psoriasis feet, diabetic feet, arthritic feet, bloated airport buffet feet, dancer feet, professional, blue collar, student, unemployed and disabled feet, the I just ate garlic pasta feet, the booze is seeping from my pores alcoholic feet, the airport pre-party feet, the feet that know no bounds feet, bound feet, tattooed feet, bedazzled feet and finally those feet that are literally on the cusp of becoming bona fide six feet under feet in the very near future.
I’m just sayin, the entire cabin reeks of feet. In fact, it’s nauseating. I realize within the aircraft carpeting resides a literal foot fungal metropolis o funk—a virtual rhinovirus retreat—but can’t the airline somehow make an effort to address the stink, as clearly the removal of nonsensical airport carpeting isn’t on the list of things to do any time soon.
The airline's solution:
The mechanical engineers who are familiar with the intricacies, specifications and challenges of providing comfort within the confines of a speeding, gleaming suppository in the sky (because let’s face it, the airlines are always shoving some sort of hassle up your ass) created and subsequently affixed a user friendly, finger-fondled mechanism above the head of each and every weary passenger, which somehow allows said passenger to individually manipulate the mechanism at their leisure in an effort to somehow re-route, re-circulate, waft and/or blow the offensive hoof smog directly back into one’s own face.
It’s utter brilliance. Probably the same wise guys who chose carpeting as a viable option for aircraft floor decor in the first place.
In addition, I am not yet physically capable of effectively describing and/or expressing the visceral repulsion I have experienced regarding this lil' $613 round trip gem without literally gagging.<---$613 Lil Gem
In the interim, I invite you all to create a caption for this photo, as the pre-board sweep failed to somehow tactfully remedy this situation.
jenji
12 comments:
LOL! I like it. Remember the dingus that guy was selling several years ago, which you'd clip on the tray table in front of you, and it would prevent the passenger in front of you from leaning back? It was cool, but the airlines forced him to stop selling it because it was "illegal modification of airline property."
Okay, first of all...
>> "get off my feet feet"
Priceless!
And now the caption:
"Welcome aboard ShitStainedSeats Airways, flying from Philly to Virginia. My name is Cassie Colonitis and I'll be your flight attendant for today. As soon as we've reached our cruising altitude, I'll be coming by to offer you a complimentary refreshment from our well-stocked beverage cart. You may choose between prune juice cocktail or chilled coconut milk-in-the-can. The in-flight movie today is "Polyester" staring everyone's favorite tranny, Divine. And as a fun treat for the kids on the flight, I'll be handing out vintage scratch-n-sniff cards that they can following along with while watching the movie. We'll be taking off after a short 3 hour wait for taxi clearance on the tarmac Following that, we should arrive in Virginia in about 52 minutes. The only restroom facility on board is currently out of order. Please enjoy your flight."
I am working so hard on not gagging that I cannot come up with a caption. Ick ick ick.
I can soooooo relate to this. I atually travel with a geeky Sharper Image ionizer that I wear around my neck. It helps to keep my air area clean, fresh and ionized. I know it looks goofy, but smells be damned!
Ew, ew, and ew. This is why I avoid domestic airlines. If you ever get the chance, fly Singapore Airlines or China Airlines (not Air China)... there's real food, and on China Airlines, the courteous staff are coming by every five seconds to ask if you want snacks.
I am tres impressed with your very discriminating nose when it comes to pedal aromas, Jenji.
@ Deb: I think there was a recent recall of the Sharper Image ionizers because they've been shown to be dangerous/carcinogenic and damaging to the ozone, ironically enough. http://www.lasplash.com/publish/Home_134/Do_Air_Ionizers_Help_or_Harm_the_Air_We_Breathe_.php
Dear Noodle and Jenji,
Thanks for the info!
What will I do now?!?!?!?!
"Excuse me Ma'am...yes, you,...can you please put your petri dish back into it's fully upright position? Good, thank you"
After reading your post, I'm very thankful that my sense of smell is lacking. I plan to fly in a few weeks. After reading your post I will skip the allergy meds. A stuffy nose will be my defense.
Thanks for the imagery, I could actually smell all the feet. I feel privileged and informed :|
What I noticed about traveling is that I can't touch anything and if I do, I get all kinds of possible panic attacks (not really). I don't smell feet, but I sense filth and goss-ery.
Travel first class, business class or peasant class, it's all gross for one reason or another.
First of all, I'm sorry for your miserable experience. Secondly, I'm still blown away that your nose is so sensitive as to distinguish so many different odors. You should be a CSI or something.
Wow, that's nauseating just thinking about it. :S And what in the beejeeezzusss is that one the seat?!
You had me nodding at the Frito feet - aka "I never wear socks and don't wash my sneakers" feet. AKA2 "college dormitory foot funk".
Poor Jenji. *_*
Looks like someone's cat coughed up a fur ball on that seat. Part of why I hate flying is because of the nauseating funk that's always in the air.
I agree with you that the planes are fungus farms. It's bad when these airlines smell like the buses that I had to cram into when I was in Africa with 100+ degrees and 100% humidity.
Post a Comment