and now, we join the debate already in progress...
Sen. Clinton:
...oh yeah, well Senator Obama has stated time and again that he uses Astroglide, when in fact he uses KY Jelly, which I think we would all agree is an elitist product... and he knows it! So...so...so, that makes him a poopie pants!
Sen. Obama:
Oh yeah, well Senator Clinton has repeatedly stated that she uses Mastermind sheen in her hair, when in fact she uses Dumb Blonde and she knows it! So....so....so, that makes her an even bigger poopie pants!
(whispers echo across the audience "Obama hates blondes")
Charlie Gibson:
Senator Obama, do you mean to suggest that Senator Clinton is a dumb blonde?
Sen. Obama:
No, Charlie...Dumb Blonde is a Tigi hair care product.
Charlie:
Huh...that's not written on my profoundly, overproduced list of questions...
(crickets)
Sen. Clinton:
May I respond to that, Charlie? Although I believe Barack to be a good man, he does in fact hate blondes and all women, even black women; and white people; oh, and men, but not black men; and animals, but not black Labradors; and you, Charlie....man, does he ever hate you.
Oh, wait! And he hates the American flag, which means that he hates all Americans, as well as Betsy Ross! So, clearly he is the biggest poopie pants of all time...
George Snuffleupagus:
Huh. Well, my profoundly, overproduced card says to ask about Senator Obama's reluctance regarding the American Fag Sin. So, Senator Obama, is it just American fags that you find sinful or international fags as well?
(whispers across the audience echo "Obama hates American fags who sin")
(George holds an index finger to his ear)
(he chuckles)
I'm sorry Senator, I have just been informed that the question was supposed to read American flag pin. Isn't that just a kick in the pants...can someone bring me my glasses, please?
(meanwhile, the news wires fire up and the viral explosion ensues, 'OBAMA HATES FAGS WHO SIN!')
Charlie:
Senator Obama, Americans have indeed been questioning your allegiance to our flag, as you simply refuse to wear a flag pin upon your lapel. It's quite a hot topic on the Internet. In fact, we have a video of a concerned American for you to see, sir.
(insert YouTube video of rambling imbecile with patriotic pin concerns HERE)
What do you say to those concerned, Senator?
ERROR
*Reply missing because jenji literally wretched out loud upon hearing this question and couldn't hear the reply, as she was busy ranting around the house in an enraged, Hitler'esk manner, however in an effort to encourage the continuity and flow of this blog entry, she decided to apply an answer that was most appropriate for the question.
*Senator Obama:
Well Charlie, I would tell the woman in the video, as well as any American concerned with my allegiance to our country over an absent pin, that they are fuckin morons who need to read a book before their brains begin to drain from their nostrils. I would also like to mention that although I consider Senator Clinton to be a valued friend that I would break bread with, but never donate a kidney to, it is in fact she who hates you, Charlie; and black people; and animals; and South Park; and poor people; and blowjobs--man o man does she ever hate blowjobs.
(whispers echo across the audience "blowjobs blowjobs blowjobs")
(INSERT CONDESCENDING, COPYRIGHTED OBAMA SIGH and SMIRK HERE)
And as we all know Charlie, those who hate blowjobs are THE biggest poopie pants in the whole, wide world--like, ever, EVER!
(a bell rings, which sounds very much like the bell at the slaughter auction)
Charlie:
I'm sorry Senators, but we have run out of time. I suppose the pressing topic of blowjobs will have to wait until the next debate. Until then, goodnight from Pennsylvania.
(Charlie elbows George)
Say goodnight, George.
George:
I can't find my Chapstick.
(Charlie elbows George again)
Charlie:
Say goodnight, George.
George:
Oh, sorry....goodnight, George.
I think we would learn more about these two individuals if they just went on Jeopardy and sparred it out at those podiums. At least we would have some sort of gauge as to their knowledge about anything other than the gossip of the day.
They should both be ashamed of their behavior, while Charlie Gibson and George -it's impossible for me to wear anymore Chapstick than I am currently sporting-- Snuffleupagus should be immediately fired and sign on to anchor Inside Edition.
jenji
10 comments:
I completely missed this entire TV debate---errr--debacle the other night. Thank you so much for providing the transcript here.
After reading through everything carefully, it is clear that, like you, I am quite out of touch with the topics and concerns that most Americans find important. And this odd disconnect makes me feel a bit Canadian. And that must be how Alex Trebek feels most days. And maybe that's why he ---
Crap. Where the hell is my Chapstick?
Chet has truly said it all.
After reading that transcript, which I imagine is far, far more informative than the actual debate - which I am thankful I missed - I second that latter statement:
Where the hell is my Chapstick?
On a lighter note: Happy weekend, lady. So glad you dropped by to say hi!
Jenji,
I'm so worn out on our political dysfunction. Thanks for re-establishing my interest. I'm sorry I missed the debate. But didn't Obama say "It's right here in my pants", when George asked of his Chapstick?
Wait... Obama hates Flag Pins? Well he just lost my fuckin vote!
And I agree... Snuffle-up-his-pus should be fired...
...from a cannon...
...into a landfill full of alcohol-soaked razorblades.
Don't be silly and suggest that they should go on Jeopardy.
That's entirely too elitist.
So in lieu of any further debating, or even allowing the ostensibly super delegates from deciding, I propose the following scenario for resolving the situation with the Democratic Party nominee:
Winner-takes-all head-to-head Deal or No Deal. That, or Rock-Paper-Scissors, best four out of seven.
Sponsored by Chap-Stick.
"I've said it before and I'll say it again: Democracy doesn't work."
- Kent Brockman on The Simpsons
And after having seen Clinton and Obama, as well as Edwards on last Thursday's Colbert Report, I find myself wondering if it's too late for the man from Carolina to get back in.
He was far and away the funniest.
Why shouldn't we use that as the criterion for who should run the country?
I think this is surprisingly deep and profound for both Hillary and Barack.
I LOVE IT!
I LOVE IT!
I LOVE IT!
Missed reading your blog, but I'm back. I was rolling with laughter at George Snufalupagus!
Classic material ;-)
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