I think I'm going to have to start moisturizing and slathering my entire body with Astroglide whenever I dare breach the confines of my domicile. It's just no longer safe for me to leave the premises otherwise. Will it work? I dunno, it's a hypothesis--you tell me.
Within the past 3 weeks I have managed to get a variety of body parts--my body parts mind you--stuck into, wedged under and jammed between far too many devices and/or contraptions.
Particulars:
1. My arm wedged and stuck underneath, up and behind the flippy door of a vending machine. Oh yeah, right up to the shoulder. Full out, face pressed against the glass. legs flailing helplessly stuck.
My inner dialogue went something like this:
(clink)
"Um...oh. Oh, okay... The Dew is stuck...Eh, I can reach that...I'm so thirsty...it's just hanging...stuck...it's right there...if...I could...
(insert Kama Sutra move for one here)...just...reach ...ow. ow. OW!"
See what I should have done here
<---evidence from Vending Machine Smackdown '08
2. My entire right leg, from groin to ankle, jammed between the door and the wall of my outdoor shed. Oh right, in the middle of a March blizzard, dressed in a head to toe Christmas Story snow suit.
"Hm, the door is broke from the weight of the snow and I need that can of gasoline for the snow blower...sooooo, maybe if I pull on the door really, reallllllllyyyy hard...
(insert popping ocular blood vessels here)
-then I can wedge my leg in the door and...reach...the can...without...ow ow OW!"
reminder
<--me, but significantly more stressed out
3. My right middle finger jammed into plastic vent of Harold's cat carrier. Oh right, while driving.
Complete dialogue of jenji and her cat, Harold:
"Meow."
"Meow. Meow."
"I know Harold, you don't like the car. It's okay, you're okay."
"Meoooooww! Meeeeeooooooooooooowwww!"
"It's okay buddy, we're almost there..."
"Meowwwwwwwwwww, Meooooooooooooow! Meummurfffeowwwskkkkkkhack,"
that's cat for -bitch you better get me outta here or I'm gonna hurl-
"Okay, okay...I hear you Harold, it's okay...MEOW!...it's just the car...no worries...MEOW!
(insert finger into carrier vent for consoling rub under the ol cat chin)
...it's okay...you're...such...a...good...ouch...um...boy...ow ow OW! ...sniff...meow?"
Harold insists that he will walk to and from the vet from now on.
I concur.
So, in an effort to spare my insurance company from having to pay for any sort of future prosthesis, I will test the Astroglide Hypothesis and get back to you; one knuckle at a time.
jenji
17 comments:
Good plan... just don't get any "glide" in your eye because that stuff can really burn and cause temporary blindness and then you'll have to run out of the Motel 6 room and start spinning like the Tazmanian Devil in middle of the parking lot, arms flailing, while trying to regain your composure. But you won't be able to! You'll continue to spin on the asphalt, careening into various station wagons, vans and big wheels, while just missing the open gate of the motel swimming pool with the sign that reads "No Lifeguard on Duty -- Swim at Own Risk."
Hours later, your vision still blurry, the paramedic will ask what happened. And everyone will wonder why you're wearing Underoos and a cod piece with an arrow painted on your back, pointing at your butt that reads "Go get it, Senator!"
And then you'll become a bubbleboy and live above a morbid family-owned business.
I mean, so I've heard.
So be careful with the Astro Glide!!
I find your astroglide experiment intriguing... almost as interesting as your Mt. Dew misadventure. How did you manage to do that again?
Funny stuff!
I'm sorry, I had to laugh. It reminded me of myself. I got my thumb stuck in a beer bottle once. I don't know why I did that..I guess I was sitting there enjoying conversation, and was fiddling my fingers and for some reason decided to put my whole entire thumb in the bottle. And there it was, thumb stuck in the hole.
Well, after some pulling and turning I got it out. I refused to break the bottle..too much of a wimp. :)
I am sooooo sorry if I wans't supposed to laugh, but I laugh only to remind myself that I am not alone.
I have thin fingers and small wrists, so I can manuever my hand and fingers INto anything. The getting them out part is always soooo tough!
Hilarious youtube clip.
OMG, that cracker me up. I especially like the part about sticking your finger in the cat carrier... I so identify...
OWWW That looks painful. And I don't know about you, but contrary to when we were children there is also that period of fear before we get unstuck that we may NOT get unstuck. Good luck with your slip and slide.
It's okay Butterfly, it was meant to be amusing. No worries. These things happen.
I know, the clip is super funny. Loved it.
Thanks for stopping by.
jenji
Might I suggest the warming KY for any outdoor snow entrapments. That way if you remain stuck, you are less likely to get hypothermia. Just a thought.
Yeah, I just noticed that I put "cracker" instead of "cracked." Maybe I was hungry?
Both your previous posts were wonderful, and I am sorry to hear that Murphy's Law is out to get you this week...
I had my bad week a couple of weeks ago. Many ridiculous things happened, one of which involved getting attacked by a dog (who was with its owner, on a leash) walking to my house from the train. I did manage to escape only with a shredded coat, so it could have been worse.
I hope things are well!
Oh Harold. Will you ever win?
I don't mean to laugh at your pain and suffering but this part what pretty damn hilarious:
(insert Kama Sutra move for one here)
Jake-Brilliant! I never thought of that. Would you suggest a microwave warm up or more of a slow, buddy burner type of situation?
Aislin-Sorry to hear about your current troubles. I hope all is getting better and I'm glad to see that you dropped by to say hello. All is well here.
so@24--that's the point; harold always wins... hence, his indifference to most situations.
James-I'm happy to provide comedic service through my blatant suffering. Actually, the post was meant to be light, so I'm glad you got a laugh out of it. I hope you are doing well.
Thanks for dropping by everyone.
jenji
OMG, Jenji, that is one nasty bruise! I hope you got that Mt. Dew! *karate chops vending machine*
And poor Harold! Hehehehe! Did he do well at the vet? Our cats never dug the carrier either. Neither did our guinea pig. *_*
I hope you had a good Easter!
hell, why be alone when there is warmpth to share. Slow buddy burn.....that's my vote
It's funny, but I have had the experience chet spoke of:
"just don't get any "glide" in your eye because that stuff can really burn and cause temporary blindness"
It's definitely not a pleasant thing to accidentally do
hahahahahahahaha Usually when I get stuck somewhere I'm butt-naked! (Don't ask.)
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